"Humans love pain; love being in it. It's even considered a virtue; cry the most at a funeral and you must be the best person. Promises to never forget each other, promise to feel the sting of loss forever. Because for humans? Forever is just the blink of an eye. Life is pathetically brief...."

At this age, everything is changing. Day by day we don't notice, but just look back over the past year and you will realize everything has. People you thought were going to be there forever aren't, and people you never imagined you'd be speaking to are now some of your closest friends.

Life makes little sense, and the more we grow the less sense it will make. So make the most of it now, before it all changes once again, because in the near future, all of this is only going to be memories.

Favourite book quote

"One of the most frustrating words in the human language, as far as i could tell was love. So much meaning attached to this one little word. People bandied it about freely, using it to describe their attachment to possessions, pets, vacation destinations, and favourite foods. In the same breath they then applied this word to the person they considered most important in their lives. Wasn't that insulting? Shouldn't there be some other term to describe deeper emotion? Humans were so preoccupied with love. They were all desperate to form an attachment to one person they could refer to as their "other half". It seemed from my reading of literature that being in love meant becoming the beloved's entire world. The rest of the universe paled into insignificance compared to the lovers. When they were separated, each fell into a melancholy state, and only when they were reunited did their hearts start beating again. Only when they were together could they really see the colours of the world. When they were apart, that colour leached away, leaving everything a hazy grey. I lay in bed, wondering about the intensity of this emotion that was so irrational and so irrefutably human. What if a person's face was so sacred to you it was permanently inscribed in your memory? What if their smell and touch were dearer to you than life itself? Of course, i knew nothing about human love, but the idea had always been intriguing to me. Celestial beings never pretended to understand the intensity of human relationships; but i found it amazing how humans could allow another person to take over their hearts and minds. It was ironic how love could awaken them to the wonders of the universe, while at the same time confine their attention to one another."

NEW BLOOOOG

Heyhey!!!! so i have another blog if peeps wanna check it out! its all my poetry and only my poetry... lol scarymindscribblings.blogspot.com !

Thanks for readings! And feel free to follow the other one, this one will probably just end up being a bunch of rants so I'd say the other blog will be better with more quality posts.

"Time for Goodbyes"

Time to watch them spread their wings

And fly from the nest

They've stayed in for so long

To find the place

In the sky above

Paving the way for more to join the next

But now they're leaving

And next is our

Time for goodbyes.

We all eventually find out that...

-boys are silly and confusing

-tea is lovely and refreshing

-reading a book is peaceful and nice

-friends are all we need, in the end

-butterflies are forever

-we want to travel and see the world

-honesty is always best

-laughing does really make everything better

-summer is bliss

Ready to walk away

So many people have left my life....they've walked out to try and be better off, dumping me. They've jumped in front of trains, and hung themselves from fans with slit wrists, or even just said goodbye and started ignoring me. Sometimes they come back but they never becomes as close to me as they once were; they don't want to. I know it's bad of me to now assume that of everyone but can I be blamed for that? Every time I do something wrong, upset my boyfriend...I feel as though he will turn around and walk the other way and I feel like I could totally deserve it. No one deserves to look after a schizophrenic with a temperamental trusting nature (lack of trust one minute and full trust the next)

I want...

It sounds so petty when you think about it but for me? I dont know i just want it to mean something. I buy flowers for heaps of people, one of my good friends birthdays is tomorrow and it occurs to me in a conversation at lunch that i've never had flowers given to me. Everyone else spoke about the amazing feeling that they get when they get flowers at their show or on their birthday and you know what? I havent had flowers, I sit in the dressin room with my friends at our show an hey all have flowers at their mirrors and i don't. It's empty. God i sound like a complainy bitch.....I WANT FLOWERS.

Cut and tweak,

Pull and tear.

Lets see how much

You can fare

Change this and that,

Change all that you are.

One thing at a time,

So you won't go TOO far.

Dye your hair, cut your nails,

Pull the black from your face.

You need to do it all,

In order to run this race.

Take in this, listen to that,

Everyone else knows you.

They know the final image,

And what you should do.

Rip your skin, then hide it now,

So the parents don't see.

That the perfect daughter is

Perfection, you see.

She listened and changed,

To everything that they said.

She wasn't herself anymore

Only left in her head.

"Perfection"

Can you hear the voices whispering?

They scream out just one thing.

They want that whole perfection

That happiness can't bring.

They cry out for your blood to spill,

They don't believe there's another choice.

You have no way to fight against them,

Slowly you lose your voice....

The first time I heard the voices whispering,

I was barely just a child.

They told me I needed to grow up,

And stop being so wild.

The next time came when I listened to them,

I learnt the ways of being "ideal".

The voices called for blood,

And expectations made me cut to feel.

Suddenly more voices joined,

As image became what I knew.

But everything in my image was wrong

And they all screamed "I hate you"

The voices told me to weigh myself,

But they didn't like the fat.

They pushed away food, all in control,

No doubt about that.

The starving seemed relentless,

The blood poured more and more.

But I was too light on the scales,

And they pushed me into the floor.

Broken, I sat there, all alone,

Till they told me I needed a mate.

Only they told me to search then to stop;

That I couldn't push my fate.

Next challenge came; to be "beautiful"

And the struggle began again.

I spilt my blood relentlessly,

But to stop? I don't know when.

As more pressures pile up,

As the voices grow to yell.

The blood pools up screaming imperfection,

And you need to say farewell.

They need you to be a perfect one,

Perfection in the eyes of all.

If they see a single thing wrong with you,

Off the cliff you'll fall.

It crushes when you find out the centre of the universe that you thought you wear to someone, is just a planet in orbit of some thing else. When you're told you were all that they needed, all that you were was their number one priority, but you're not. For all you know, you could be 50th but they'd still be telling you you're number one. When they used to jump at every chance to even SEE you from a distance and now they think they'll be bored.

When they can be pissed at you as you tell them you love them, but they can't say it back.

That's when you consider your purpose and that's when you want to die...

Your one priority and you're only an option to them.

Grade 11

Grade 11 is so much more stress than I ever could have expected. It's a new kind of stress and it puts stress on more than just you and your school work. It puts stress on relationship (with friends and boyfriends), it puts stress on psychological states and it just makes it an all-out bitch to deal with. The problem is I don't know if next year is going to be the same thing because if it is I may as well become a hermit now and renew my friendships when I go off to uni. Just the past couple of weeks, so much stress has been put on all my relationships....and frankly I'm considering taking a break for EVERYTHNG. from relationships, all the extra things I do (Facebook, blog, and story writing) and save it all for when I finish year 12 because I'm not gonna stop. I thought this year was the best I've ever had and maybe for the first part it was but it's so stressful that I'm considering calling up the mental hospital and committing myself to leave school. Just isolate myself from reality and everything in it. I've been writing my stories lately and frankly, it's an escape from reality that's all I can say. 

I've just had trouble; crying every day for hours on end, while attempting to absorb all the study needed for tests and only scraping above average by the skin on my neck.

Frankly, I don't know what to do considering even my holidays are non-stop work (dance boot camp)

HELP ME PLEASE

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From one human to another

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Greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading xx

I'm crazy. I know I am. I just sat here for about an hour, hearing voices in my head. Not schitzo voices. An actual voice. It was me talking to myself in my head. It was me talking to myself in my head. I got home from school and I started crying. I didn't stop. I was crying and then I was coughing and i was pretty sure i was becoming so dehydrated due to lack of fluids. I lay there for an hour...unable to move but unable to be unconscious. I just lay there; having trouble breathing.

Not much even happened today. I just got so happy today and then it's like i have to crash....

What's wrong? Well, pretty much everything i guess.....

Let's start i gave my headphones to someone to borrow and they're lost. $150 worth of earphones. Gone.

Next, i don't belong anywhere or to anything. My old group pretty much has this impression that i'm becoming too much of a 'popular' and they don't seem to accept me too much anymore (besides a few who are still okay). Instead the others treat me as though i'm a bitch. So i tried moving to another group, the group they call the populars who i'm starting to become friends with but i just feel like i'm imposing cuz they have a group that's already so defined.
The only place i've ever felt like i truly belonged was in 'Guys & Dolls' cast but that's gone and the group has gone with it. There's also that stupid idea in society that you have to be good at one thing and lots of people realize that fact. Some people complain they don't have it, but i know they do. People say my one thing is dance, but they don't see me in my dance company where even when i'm next to girls who are in Grade 10 - i look like a newbie and uncoordinated. It's not writing or psychology! It's not singing or guitar or writing music or drama!!!!!! I don't have that one thing. Compared to everyone who is in the same section i only scrape into the top 50%. I want to have that one special thing and there's too much pressure to have that one thing. There's too much pressure for anything. There's too much pressure to get the best grade but what sucks is parents don't realize that not every fucking child can be the best one. Not every child can get A's because of scaling. Someone has to get the C, and it's not cuz they're not trying, it's cuz their IQ isn't as great as the Asian kid getting the best marks. And somewhere amongst all the brilliantly ecstatic children there's got to be that one that is always crying, always in pain, feeling dead inside - to balance it all out. That's what they have mental hospitals for....people who are crazy like me. I know i should probably be in one, but being in there means that people have noticed you need help. Within the corner of my walk-in wardrobe? I doubt my parents will find me crying. They don't ever realize i'm crying or upset. Even when i let them know....

Don't worry. In their eyes, I'm probably just looking for attention.

I don't know. I'll go back to the school counsellor. I think, while i still can. Once i leave school i have to pay for a psychologist and thats expensive. So i may as well take the advantages of the counsellor while i'm still here at school.

Did i mention i'm back to not dancing? Which means I'm gonna be out of it anyway.....

And i feel bad cuz i listen to something or see certain pictures and all i can think about is Matt. Not like "being in love with him" shit, but just the stupidness that people suddenly wake up morning, not caring about you anymore. They chuck any and all friendship down the drain. Lately i guess i'm sad about how much i'm reminded that EVERYTHING ends.....even the couples you thought would get married someday......it just makes me wonder when mine and my boyfriend's time will be and whether i should be preparing myself early to save me losing my soul, life, and heart. I trusted him after Matt and that took so much because i'm still missing pieces even now. If i lose my heart over this, i swear i won't see any point and no one will be able to change my mind this time.

So what the fuck do i do?

And if you've read this all the way to end and like what you're reading or even if you don't....add me to your reading list? Comment? hahah yeah....whatever. I'll try be more meaningful and less ranting depressive shiz next time.....and less swearing ahhahaha

Thanks for reading anyway xx

The stupidity of wanting to grow up

We all want to grow up. We're desperate to get there, to grab all the opportunities we can...to live. We're so busy trying to get out of that nest, we don't think about the fact that it's going to be cold out there... Really freaking cold. Because growing up sometimes means leaving people behind. And by the time we stand on our own feet...we're standing there alone. So why is it we want to grow up so fast?

I don't know...I find it kinda weird that I can't see the future. I don't mean that I just can't be a psychic; I mean that I can't see myself in the future. My dreams? I can't see. I can't see me finishing school? I can't see me even finishing the freakin' assignment I'm writing. Yet somehow I finish it and I'm not shocked. Of course I'm shocked when I do things like when I finished year 10, but I know that my boyfriend talks about when he gets his license and how often we'll see each other. I can't see it though. I can see myself forever in year 11 driving on L's never owning my own car. Yet somehow I know that the day will come when I do. I'm not a future person. I'm the person who sits there going "ok, so this week I have this test". I can't look into the future besides going "oh yeah that's ages away" then I get surprised when it's there.

Sorry for that rant, there really was no point I just thought I'd share cuz I hope it's more than just me who thinks that way.

Thanks for reading xx

Scars Under The Skin

An itch under the skin

Begging me to scratch

Open the old scars on my back

Leaving blood stains

At the back of every shirt

And I can't help but continue

To pull out the aching skin

Constantly throbbing

Because there are scars

I want to remove

But they live under the skin....

So this is my poem and it's about a symptom of my hallucinations... Basically I always feel itchy on my back, like things have crawled under my skin.....that's all I can really say, except that I think the poem speaks for itself? Let me know if it don't....

Thanks for reading xx

"It's hard to think about growing up when you're right in the middle of doing it. It's hard to know what you want. Sometimes there are so many voices in your head it's difficult to know which of them is yours." -Kevin Brooks

Okay, so what to talk about today? To be honest, I don't REALLY know...I had ideas but I can't think straight lately. Oh yeah, 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend on Wednesday!! :) 14th of August! Whoo!
I haven't really got too many problems...I had a dnm today, with someone I'm only now becoming really close with. She's my boyfriend's best friend and it's really cool that she's such cool friends with him cuz it means she knows him well and all that.
I told her about my ex, it relates to her situation in a way atm, and yeah.... Someone else joined in our dnm and decided to inform that I never realised he'd treated me badly the whole eight years we were on and off. The thing is, I don't know whether it's true but I also don't know if it's false. I could understand him being different after his loved one died a couple of years ago but yeah....it's just complicated cuz I have no clue. I also went back through my old diaries and by golly, I am shocked. It actually depresses me when I read them because it doesn't feel like I'm reading back on my old life.....it feels like I'm reading back on someone's life only I know the bitter end.....not to say that I am bad atm, but it's just that the diary entries I read involved a much younger me asking herself if she was becoming depressed and whether she should go back out with her friend. It's like when you want to yell at the TV in a horror movie to tell them not to split up and look on their own; I knew she'd end up so broken if she went with her heart but she did it anyway and I couldn't take my eyes away.
It didn't seem like me and I guess that just goes to show how much I've changed.

No one in my life really wants to say it. None of them want to let me know that I've been completely different since last year and everything changed. Even the people who knew me before year 9 (my year of depression) none of them want to remind me. They know I've changed, they can see it in my eyes. I can even see it in  their eyes. It's sad as well, for those who didn't know me before this year because personally I think, the girl I was in year 7? She's the girl I want to go back to being. She was innocent. She was herself. She was whole and not broken. The only thing wrong with her was that she was in love with her best friend, but she never dared to make a proper move on him. I want that girl back, but it'll never happen.

Thanks for reading this meaningless rant anyway :)

Lemme know what you think in the comments or by shooting me a message! :)

Xx

Life Instructions To Follow

1. Accept everything just the way it is.

2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.

4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.

5. Be detached from desire your whole life long.

6. Do not regret what you have done.

7. Never be jealous.

8. Never let jealous be saddened by a separation.

9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.

10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.

11. In all things have no preferences.

12. Be indifferent to where you live.

13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.

14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.

15. Do not act following customary beliefs.

16. Do not fear death.

You know what frustrates me? When people go around in relationships and voice how far they've gone. Or when they ask and compare with you? I've been on multiple occasions how far my boyfriend and I have gone and when I don't tell them they swear they've gone further and then make it a competition over who can lose their v card faster!!!! I'm sorry when did our age get so stupid! Has no one ever thought that maybe I won't tell them because a relationship is between two people and almost as soon as you tell someone else, they will almost surely tell someone else. So here's a general rule; don't tell them something that doesn't concern them and also, keep those "special moments" special!! So it looks as though the saying "those who kiss will always tell" is becoming painstakingly true.

Difficult day

What people don't realize is that the other day I had a difficult time even going through my day. Normally I am absolutely fine to help other people with their problems but for specific reasons not that day. The 28th of July was the day I lost a very special girl. People describe her as an angel and I used to tell her she was. When she tried to say I was too, I told her I must have been one that fell with Lucifer because I'm not as innately good as she thought I was.
Hence the reason that this is named "life of an Australian fallen angel"...

The day I'm describing is a day of rememberance. On the 28th of July 2012, the beautiful angel who I loved so much threw herself in front of a train. I have so many memories of this girl and honestly, I hate now that this is one of them. I wasn't with her when she did it but the story told me I'll always remember. Here I just want to share a beautiful things about her if anyone cares to read.

This angel was the one who convinced me to continue dancing. Originally I'd just been doing ballet and jazz and was quitting because the girls there bullied me, telling me I wasn't good enough or the type of person to get the leads. I knew they were jealous because I'd had leads two years running and one of the youngest senior foundation girls, but I was leaving and not coming back. She told me about a place where all the dancers become like family. She was right. We became really close and she was like an older sister to me. She showed me the ropes of contemporary considering I'd been classically trained with ballet and jazz and showed me how to loosen up into dancing.
She even introduced me to an amazing guy who I saw yesterday and he still remains to this day to be one of my best friends.
I remember every show she dragged me along to see that she was in, and I remember hanging backstage buying each other frangipanis that matched each one of ur costumes. We used to bring a bunch of food and just share it like a picnic between us and we pretended like we were so much more higher and mightier than the younger kids even though we laughed with them and acted like immature older sisters to them. On the last day of the show we were in together after 6 months of intensive rehearsals, we broke rule number 1 and 2. Do not eat or drink onstage. We ate pizza and drank soft drink and did cartwheels all over stage. We did the beyonce "single ladies" dance to our contemporary music and it fit. She was amazing. We even cried when she had to move. We gave her a ginormous card and cried a river for her.
She was supposed to come to our semi formal last year but she didn't make it. She was one of those people who was popular but there was not a single bit of a bitchy type girl in her. She changed minds and perceptions when she danced. She was the girl who was popular because she was nice to everyone. I never saw her dislike a single person. She didn't realize how many lives she touched and how much she mattered to us. The people who didn't know her were affected as well because they've heard the stories and they realize how much potential her life had. She was getting performance awards before even becoming a senior. She was having people talk to her about scholarships before she'd even thought about her future career....

She was a true and humble angel who fell.

Unless someone like YOU
Cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better.
It's not.
-Dr Seuss

Confessions Of A Broken Angel

Hey.
Today i'm going to tell you a story. This story is about a girl; as per any story we're going to start at the beginning. Excuse me if i skip back and forward in her life and miss years of her life.

She grew up in a rich family - no denying that. She knew she was spoiled and everyone always said she was. There was a difference though, in the lives of an average person and hers; her parents believed money could soothe all your problems, and being spoilt meant being happy.
She spent the first several years of her life with a babysitter - the closest thing she had to a mother and when she realized most kids didn't have a babysitter there every night she attempted to get the attention from her parents by running away. This usually only ended up getting her as far as her neighbour's house where they would call up and she'd be brought straight back home and punished for scaring the babysitter. It didn't work and she eventually got used to the absence of her parents.

She was always the kind of girl who could get along better with the boys, because of similar interests and from Day Care to Grade 1, she was bullied because of it. In Grade 1, she had one boy she always hung out with in the playground and his friend's got jealous. They threatened to beat her and kill her - no one would ever find her body, they used to say.

So she left the school and moved somewhere else.

As a pretense for this, I let you readers know now that insanity had always run in her family. As a young child though she only on occasion talked about the things she saw that no one else could see but as she started to get punished for it - she realized it was better not to speak up about it. Grade 2, she was at a new school, but when she got there everyone else already had their friendship groups. This was all except for a boy and a girl. They became a friendship group of three and they became this girl's best friends.
As i skip forward i let you know in general terms what happened over the years...

We speed through primary school when they were in different schools; the boy best friend at a different school, the girl at another school and her girl best friend in a whole different country. The two still left in the same country stayed in touch..... during primary school, they would pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend without the label. They liked each other and they "pretended" they didn't know it about the other. This game went on for years.....playing around but never admitting anything. She knew by the end of primary school she was already in love. The other best friend came back but never kept in touch with the boy until high school when they were re-introduced.

In high school, the boy best friend started to close off from the girl. she couldn't figure out why until she found out he'd lost someone and she ended up calling him up. He'd told he never wanted to talk to her again and it broke her heart to hear that. This was in year 8 and she became depressed as she tried to talk to people and they told her it seemed like she never cared about them. She became obsessed with becoming someone. She tried drugs, alcohol, cutting.....anything to take away the emotional pain. She lost herself. She lost her best friend and when she tried dating someone else to take her mind off the boy she loved, that girl best friend from her childhood got angry at her and left.
She had nothing left. On multiple occasions she tried killing herself.

Her dad introduced her to someone who was going through similar things to her - someone living in a mental hospital- in need of a friend. She soon became her best friend. They snuck out to parties, dyed each other's hair and promised they would never leave each other. But she did. One day the girl came to visit her and found her new best friend hanging from the ceiling fan and a letter left on the bed asking her never to be as selfish as her best friend had just been. She made a promise to the memory of her friend- to give up suicide and cutting.

She only started to get over the emotional shock when the boy she'd fallen in love with in her childhood, called her up. He apologized for wishing her away and asked if she'd forgive him. She did. At that point, it was all she could do; she needed him. But the tirade began again where he refused to admit he had any feelings for her but his flirting with her got worse. They had flings but it was never with a title. He hated the title and he still refused to admit anything more than friendship.

After dating many more guys, she eventually decided to admit defeat on loving the boy and fell in love with someone else. She loved this other boy from afar but when she told him, she was brushed off. "I love you like a sister" he said, and then moved on to his next conquest. She fell more in love with him, but in truth? it was obsession. She loved him, he never loved her back and she slowly felt like she was drifting back to the edge of no return.

Finally, the boy of her childhood turned around and said he liked her. He saved her. She was overjoyed and knew that love for him had never disappeared....

They started dating and it was like being best friends and being in love all at the same time. They teased each other, and fought but got back together by the end of the day - the relationship only getting stronger. They talked about losing virginity to each other and stayed at each others houses every night. It was a like fairytale. Only in truth, it wasn't. Because every honeymoon has it's end. Every spark burns.

At 3 months in the relationship the fire grew too hot.

He became hot and cold. Her bipolar showed through. the boy she'd been in love with only loved her when he was drunk. He was cold when he was sober. He seemed to not care anymore. One year anniversary of his loved one's death came and he broke. He said he'd never loved her; it was all a lie...

a lie...

the boy she'd been in love with 8 years had never cared. The one person who'd always been there to save her was now the one pushing her off a cliff. He was too much of a coward to walk away after telling her, so she saved herself some dignity and left with she could still crawl.

7 months. She got drunk too. She got high. She made out with random strangers at parties hoping to God it would feel the gaping hole inside her chest. But it didn't.
He kept her on facebook. He kept her on twitter. He loved to torture her. He would message her when he was high, just to do so.
He asked if she missed him and all she could do was lie. He would always tell her he knew that it wasn't true. Once or twice he told her he missed her and when she questioned it, he would reveal it to be lie.

"You know i was always a good liar."

And every day she died more inside. Soon she aimed at her friends, hoping someone would save her. None of them did.
She tried to find other boys to date; she swore all the time that she was over him but she knew in her heart that she wasn't.
She even attempted to go back to the boy she'd had an obsession but when he made out with her she felt nothing..

she gave up on love.

One day, she approached one of the boys who'd rejected her and she sat down with him. He was sitting with one of his friends but she didn't care, they all started a conversation about costumes for a performance and the original boy left to go talk to someone else. That's when she met the most naive boy in the world. They continued their conversation and at lunch time break- they played frisbee and talked. Their talking didn't stop - they would text after rehearsal until they had to go to sleep and then their conversation would pick up in the morning the next day.
He made her forget.

Then one day, she asked him if he would ever consider her to be someone he could go out with. She'd had 7 months of rejections so she thought she could deal with one more. Instead he answered saying he wasn't sure. He asked to go to movies as friends and when the movie ended. He kissed her.

He'd heard the rumours of her being damaged good and he promised one thing.

"I'll never hurt you."

Poem: "Love the fall"

Hey, so I'm pretty sure this poem is self explanatory. I wrote it years ago, it was one of the first that I wrote and it's about what you would risk in order to fly.

You've got to learn to love the fall
You've got to learn to risk it all
You've got to learn of all the pain
You've got to learn of all the vain

Love the fall
Risk it all
Save the day
For another way

The silent killer

I want to talk about this issue because it's been popping up all over my life. I myself have had the dreaded thing, but I'm also wanting to let people know...I fought it and won. Depression.

For those who don't seem to realize...it's so much more than just being 'sad' or hating your appearance. It's constant suicidal thoughts...yeah, you ARE sad, and hate what you look like, but all you want to do is die. You don't have a social life much, you isolate yourself from everyone. You think too much at night of everything that's wrong with you, with what you do, with your life. Anxiety adds on, not being able to breath, the tears, the shaking, the worrying about everything. Seeing everyone around you, you think they're judging you. When they laugh, you automatically think it's about you. You feel worthless, stupid, annoying, useless, and no one really cares about you. The constant urges to jump in front of cars, the urges to cut, that leads to anxiety attacks. The scars that you look at and feel weak. You feel like you have absolutely no one, your whole life is a living hell. Depression is like a rope around your neck, and the longer you try to fight for your life, the tighter the rope gets. It's like a tornado and once the big storm is over, you're left with the scars, the bruises, the thoughts, the sadness...and the memories of hell. The fake smiles. Telling everyone you're just tired when you're really dying inside. Screaming for someone to help you. Realizing no one will ever love you. I mean who would love a depressed a suicidal girl after all? Don't ever wish for depression or take it lightly, you don't want it. Trust me.
My good news for those who may be going through it at the moment is that if you survive and stay strong? It does eventually get better (even if it does take multiple years). You also have to get rid of the people in your life constantly pulling you down.
And lastly, no joke it does help a lot in the long run.

Talk To Someone.

Thanks for taking the time to read this xx

The infinite possibilities

Think about the day you've just had. You follow a routine. For some of us we get up early, go to school, have the same conversation with our friends about how they are, go through classes following the norm -holding in our potential so we can fit what it's like to be "cool" then we have our co-curricular or we go straight home, we study or we watch tv and we constantly wish we had a better life without doing anything at all to change our routine. When the change is offered to us, we decline, happy to be in this routine even though we desperately want to escape. I notice this all the time.

There are infinite possibilities each day which should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I COULD HAVE in a day? Is uncountable...breath taking.... And yet I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox and preparing my school bag for school tomorrow. We live trapped in our loops. We relive a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts....every day it's the same, with only a slight variation on the last. Every moment smoothly follows the gentle curves of society's norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow... Our dreams will come back to us.

The sad thing is, I can't even give the answers I so desperately want myself. I don't have all the answers to the questions I ask on here. I don't know everything yet; I wish to experience it. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing:
The solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.
My only advice I can give after ranting so much on this subject? Try moving out of your box... Bit by bit....start with something small and soon you could change your life forever for the better :)

And here's a clip from a tv show I used to watch but it's one of my favourite dances to watch because it is inspiring whether you enjoy dance or not :)

Sammy's Final Dance (Dance Academy)

"The One" Poem

Okay, so this is a poem I wrote...it can get a tiny bit confusing but basically "the one" so often called our other half...? I believe there are two of them, like a good and a bad. A really bad "one" you think is "the one" but really he is the one to show you pain so you can appreciate someone who'll wait for your trust and stuff... For me, it's my ex and my current boyfriend. So here it is..."The One"

I believe in fate
I believe in destiny
I belive in "the one"
I believe there are two.
I believe in one to build the walls
And one to break these walls
The one who builds these walls
Comes easily into your life
They may be a friend
They may be a partner
They may be a stranger
They alter your world;
Perception of life.
They make you lose your hope.
They are all you see;
Reasons for tears,
Then cause for a shattered heart,
The reason for stopping it all.
Some survive.
Some don't.
The ones that do, are broken.
They believe they lost all trust.
They believe in the emptiness of their chests.
They live their life in slow motion
They live not noticing the growing light;
The person finding this broken corpse.
That one believes in us
That one believes they can help.
That one is "the ones" so commonly named;
The creator of happiness.
They take the lack of trust,
The negative view of the world;
The broken heart,
And they start to mend.
They show new perception
And they refuse to hurt us.
Sometimes we don't realize at first,
And we cry.
We think that nothing's changed,
Because we still remember that "one" who hurt.
"The one" of two.
For after that, we realize even though it's a memory.
The wounds have healed;
Stitched up by the other "one".
That's when we see our personal angel.
I believe in fate.
I believe in destiny.
I believe in "the one".
I believe there are two.
After believing in the dark,
I now believe in you...

What I want to do in life....

Everyone asks me what I want to be when I leave school; what I want to do in university and the sad thing I have an answer but at the same time I don't. My ideas that I have range from being a dance choreographer, to an author, to a psychologist, to a singer/songwriter/guitarist. I guess why I chose these things besides being things I adore with a passion is that they are mediums of which I've been inspired. So that leads me to explain the one thing I find them all to have in common which I would like to do after school; inspire people. That is the only thing I really WANT to do. I wanna be able to inspire people and touch their lives so much so that someone can genuinely say that if they had never been inspired by me then they wouldn't be the person they are today. I want to save someone; save them from this cold, dark and lonely world that we all live in because truth be told, it is cruel. I want to protect people from that or inspire them to do the same as I'm trying to do and make the cold, lonely, dark world a little brighter for someone. I want to be someone's hero, someone that they can look up to. Not someone like superman or batman, because they're just fictional and make believe; I want to be a role model for people, so that they have someone who genuinely wants to inspire them to be better. To say honestly, I only wish to make a change, even if it is a small one; making a slight change to someone's world and making them better for it; changing some event so that people don't feel quite so alone.... I just don't want to leave school and be "normal"; get a job, earn money, buy a house, get married, and die. I want to do more than just exist. So when people ask me what I wanna do after school? I say I don't know.

A Daily Rant? 18th July 2013

Childhood? i don't know how many times i'll talk about it but it's kinda important :)

So basically i'm thinking about the feelings that accompany remembering your childhood....on occasion it's a thought of "THANK GOD MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW!" or that i miss that naivety that i used to have towards the world. Really, none of us truly realized the full capacity at which this world is corrupt.  These days everything's REAL; when you reach a certain age people just suddenly stop protecting you...
Everything starts coming at you, confronting and real. You realize only then the full capacity.

Of course there are still people who find out at a young age... the kids who are brought up with their parents sexually assaulting them or the ones with abusive parents and yet i know, even those kids are surprised at the cruelty of reality.

No one truly realizes how many people kill themselves, or are killed; how many people are molested or raped and how many of them we actually call "friends"; no one ever told us that our friends would become enemies or that the parents we'd always looked up to, would be the ones yelling at us to do better and constantly making us feel like we weren't enough. No one ever prepared for HOW hard life was, they only told us it would be. Up until that point, we hadn't known what true struggle was.
Up until last year i didn't think i had either. I feel like now i do. No one prepares for you to live through three of your friends suicides in one week and then the week after finding out your boyfriend of 6 months (who is also your best friend of 8 YEARS) suddenly stopped loving you and stopped giving a shit about you. No one prepares for your heart to break in every way possible...until it has. It has taken me ages to recover from that....hell, i still am. I don't think i'll ever heal, the scars will always be there.
But i still appreciate the facts that have showed up this year, making my life better and worth living....which is something i didn't feel after last years events.

If you look at me now, unless you saw me at a weak moment? i don't think most people can tell the shit that i've been through. Hell, until just a couple of months ago i was still having the worst kind of problems. I had to deal with my friend's boyfriend feel me up....and i didn't know how to react. I forgot it. Even though i still remember...i talked to him and then never said a word.

But life's okay these days....

I saved one of my best friend's from killing herself too, and i now have an amazing boyfriend; the first boyfriend i've ever had who hasn't had a fight with me yet. He's different from EVERY OTHER boy i've dated and yes, i mean that, because although he was at the worst disadvantage when we started dating on Valentines Day, he stayed with me until finally i trusted him enough to tell him the shit i've been through (excuse the swearing).
I haven't had any major problems lately, if anything, my life's been pretty great :)
For now but meh!

Oh yeah, here's one of my drawings as well :) i've been bored, considering it's school holidays so i've been practicing my drawing :) Let me know what you think in the comments!!!

Thanks for reading xx

Just a general note for future posts?

Okay so I'm pretty sure im gonna just start posting my poetry on here and explaining it with some 10,000 words to get my heart out but yeah.... So I'll start with one today :) it's brand new just written then so yeah....

I thought about how 5 months ago (on the 14th of February) my boyfriend at the moment asked me to go out with him and that's when we became official but I also thought about the events leading up to that and how I had to ask him in a talk a week prior about whether he'd ever thought of me as an option of someone to date because I did in fact like him. I reckon that planted the seed in his head to actually think about me in a more than friendly way because up till then he hadn't really given any indicators..... But here it is :)

The poem is called "Would you have looked twice".

Would you have thought of me like that,
If I'd never said a thing.
If I held in that I liked you
What would that bring?

Would you have looked at me twice
If I hadn't put the thought there?
Would we talk anymore now?
 Or would you really not care?

Would I be single?
Or would I have run back to my ex
Would all this happiness be a dream?
Would I have given up on the male sex

What would I be like?
If I'd never asked if you considered me?
If I never asked to get to know you,
Who would I now see?

Would I be with a drunk,
Who never wanted to be changed.
Would I have found someone else,
Or would my whole life be rearranged?

It's hard to think of where I'd be,
If I'd never given you a clue.
All I know is I'm grateful,
That I first talked to you.

Thanks for reading!!! xx

Did you know? You can feel true love. It's that one person that when they touch you, it overwhelms. If you've been touched before them, it means nothing. When they touch you, they seem to realize if they're overstepping and if they're not, they are cautious when they touch you. They're the ones who can look you in the eyes when it's all done and tell you they love you so much. That the way they touch you with such care makes you wanna cry with happiness, because you realize the love they have for you and it's overwhelming. That's how you can feel they love you too....truly....

How fast it's gone

Okay so this is my first post on this blog. I'm gonna try and be real honest here. There may end up with some really personal stories and things so no hate <3 please.

So I wanted to talk about how fast things disappear; that's what i've noticed.

I got up this morning and it seems like in a flash my day has ended. People mention my last ex-boyfriend and i can't help but remember when we were together and how fast it disappeared. I feel like yesterday i was going on the first date and then now? I'm with someone else and everything i had with him slipped out of my fingers as fast as the year that's gone by since that first date.

It also occured to me, as i looked through my photos on my computer, how fast my childhood has gone. Everyone talks about fast i've gone, but really i've grown at any normal pace, it's just that they haven't seen me in YEARS but to them? it may feel like days, weeks, or months.....

It even dawned on me that i'm already 1/4 of the way through my "senior years"(grade 11 & 12) and it's scary because i remember when i started grade 10, freaking out about what I would do in year 11 and 12 to help me get where i wanted to be in life. But i don't know what i want to do, that's the sad thing....

everyone tells me i have time.

I don't feel like it.

So fast the time and all the fun things have slipped through my fingers and become memories.....