Hey, so I'm pretty sure this poem is self explanatory. I wrote it years ago, it was one of the first that I wrote and it's about what you would risk in order to fly.
You've got to learn to love the fall
You've got to learn to risk it all
You've got to learn of all the pain
You've got to learn of all the vain
Love the fall
Risk it all
Save the day
For another way
Saturday, 27 July 2013
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
The silent killer
I want to talk about this issue because it's been popping up all over my life. I myself have had the dreaded thing, but I'm also wanting to let people know...I fought it and won. Depression.
For those who don't seem to realize...it's so much more than just being 'sad' or hating your appearance. It's constant suicidal thoughts...yeah, you ARE sad, and hate what you look like, but all you want to do is die. You don't have a social life much, you isolate yourself from everyone. You think too much at night of everything that's wrong with you, with what you do, with your life. Anxiety adds on, not being able to breath, the tears, the shaking, the worrying about everything. Seeing everyone around you, you think they're judging you. When they laugh, you automatically think it's about you. You feel worthless, stupid, annoying, useless, and no one really cares about you. The constant urges to jump in front of cars, the urges to cut, that leads to anxiety attacks. The scars that you look at and feel weak. You feel like you have absolutely no one, your whole life is a living hell. Depression is like a rope around your neck, and the longer you try to fight for your life, the tighter the rope gets. It's like a tornado and once the big storm is over, you're left with the scars, the bruises, the thoughts, the sadness...and the memories of hell. The fake smiles. Telling everyone you're just tired when you're really dying inside. Screaming for someone to help you. Realizing no one will ever love you. I mean who would love a depressed a suicidal girl after all? Don't ever wish for depression or take it lightly, you don't want it. Trust me.
My good news for those who may be going through it at the moment is that if you survive and stay strong? It does eventually get better (even if it does take multiple years). You also have to get rid of the people in your life constantly pulling you down.
And lastly, no joke it does help a lot in the long run.
Talk To Someone.
Thanks for taking the time to read this xx
For those who don't seem to realize...it's so much more than just being 'sad' or hating your appearance. It's constant suicidal thoughts...yeah, you ARE sad, and hate what you look like, but all you want to do is die. You don't have a social life much, you isolate yourself from everyone. You think too much at night of everything that's wrong with you, with what you do, with your life. Anxiety adds on, not being able to breath, the tears, the shaking, the worrying about everything. Seeing everyone around you, you think they're judging you. When they laugh, you automatically think it's about you. You feel worthless, stupid, annoying, useless, and no one really cares about you. The constant urges to jump in front of cars, the urges to cut, that leads to anxiety attacks. The scars that you look at and feel weak. You feel like you have absolutely no one, your whole life is a living hell. Depression is like a rope around your neck, and the longer you try to fight for your life, the tighter the rope gets. It's like a tornado and once the big storm is over, you're left with the scars, the bruises, the thoughts, the sadness...and the memories of hell. The fake smiles. Telling everyone you're just tired when you're really dying inside. Screaming for someone to help you. Realizing no one will ever love you. I mean who would love a depressed a suicidal girl after all? Don't ever wish for depression or take it lightly, you don't want it. Trust me.
My good news for those who may be going through it at the moment is that if you survive and stay strong? It does eventually get better (even if it does take multiple years). You also have to get rid of the people in your life constantly pulling you down.
And lastly, no joke it does help a lot in the long run.
Talk To Someone.
Thanks for taking the time to read this xx
Tuesday, 23 July 2013
The infinite possibilities
Think about the day you've just had. You follow a routine. For some of us we get up early, go to school, have the same conversation with our friends about how they are, go through classes following the norm -holding in our potential so we can fit what it's like to be "cool" then we have our co-curricular or we go straight home, we study or we watch tv and we constantly wish we had a better life without doing anything at all to change our routine. When the change is offered to us, we decline, happy to be in this routine even though we desperately want to escape. I notice this all the time.
There are infinite possibilities each day which should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I COULD HAVE in a day? Is uncountable...breath taking.... And yet I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox and preparing my school bag for school tomorrow. We live trapped in our loops. We relive a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts....every day it's the same, with only a slight variation on the last. Every moment smoothly follows the gentle curves of society's norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow... Our dreams will come back to us.
The sad thing is, I can't even give the answers I so desperately want myself. I don't have all the answers to the questions I ask on here. I don't know everything yet; I wish to experience it. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing:
The solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.
My only advice I can give after ranting so much on this subject? Try moving out of your box... Bit by bit....start with something small and soon you could change your life forever for the better :)
And here's a clip from a tv show I used to watch but it's one of my favourite dances to watch because it is inspiring whether you enjoy dance or not :)
Sammy's Final Dance (Dance Academy)
There are infinite possibilities each day which should stagger the mind. The sheer number of experiences I COULD HAVE in a day? Is uncountable...breath taking.... And yet I'm sitting here refreshing my inbox and preparing my school bag for school tomorrow. We live trapped in our loops. We relive a few days over and over, and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. We see the same things each day, we respond the same way, we think the same thoughts....every day it's the same, with only a slight variation on the last. Every moment smoothly follows the gentle curves of society's norms. We act like if we just get through today, tomorrow... Our dreams will come back to us.
The sad thing is, I can't even give the answers I so desperately want myself. I don't have all the answers to the questions I ask on here. I don't know everything yet; I wish to experience it. I don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. But I do know one thing:
The solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. It doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. It doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up.
My only advice I can give after ranting so much on this subject? Try moving out of your box... Bit by bit....start with something small and soon you could change your life forever for the better :)
And here's a clip from a tv show I used to watch but it's one of my favourite dances to watch because it is inspiring whether you enjoy dance or not :)
Sammy's Final Dance (Dance Academy)
Monday, 22 July 2013
"The One" Poem
Okay, so this is a poem I wrote...it can get a tiny bit confusing but basically "the one" so often called our other half...? I believe there are two of them, like a good and a bad. A really bad "one" you think is "the one" but really he is the one to show you pain so you can appreciate someone who'll wait for your trust and stuff... For me, it's my ex and my current boyfriend. So here it is..."The One"
I believe in fate
I believe in destiny
I belive in "the one"
I believe there are two.
I believe in one to build the walls
And one to break these walls
The one who builds these walls
Comes easily into your life
They may be a friend
They may be a partner
They may be a stranger
They alter your world;
Perception of life.
They make you lose your hope.
They are all you see;
Reasons for tears,
Then cause for a shattered heart,
The reason for stopping it all.
Some survive.
Some don't.
The ones that do, are broken.
They believe they lost all trust.
They believe in the emptiness of their chests.
They live their life in slow motion
They live not noticing the growing light;
The person finding this broken corpse.
That one believes in us
That one believes they can help.
That one is "the ones" so commonly named;
The creator of happiness.
They take the lack of trust,
The negative view of the world;
The broken heart,
And they start to mend.
They show new perception
And they refuse to hurt us.
Sometimes we don't realize at first,
And we cry.
We think that nothing's changed,
Because we still remember that "one" who hurt.
"The one" of two.
For after that, we realize even though it's a memory.
The wounds have healed;
Stitched up by the other "one".
That's when we see our personal angel.
I believe in fate.
I believe in destiny.
I believe in "the one".
I believe there are two.
After believing in the dark,
I now believe in you...
I believe in fate
I believe in destiny
I belive in "the one"
I believe there are two.
I believe in one to build the walls
And one to break these walls
The one who builds these walls
Comes easily into your life
They may be a friend
They may be a partner
They may be a stranger
They alter your world;
Perception of life.
They make you lose your hope.
They are all you see;
Reasons for tears,
Then cause for a shattered heart,
The reason for stopping it all.
Some survive.
Some don't.
The ones that do, are broken.
They believe they lost all trust.
They believe in the emptiness of their chests.
They live their life in slow motion
They live not noticing the growing light;
The person finding this broken corpse.
That one believes in us
That one believes they can help.
That one is "the ones" so commonly named;
The creator of happiness.
They take the lack of trust,
The negative view of the world;
The broken heart,
And they start to mend.
They show new perception
And they refuse to hurt us.
Sometimes we don't realize at first,
And we cry.
We think that nothing's changed,
Because we still remember that "one" who hurt.
"The one" of two.
For after that, we realize even though it's a memory.
The wounds have healed;
Stitched up by the other "one".
That's when we see our personal angel.
I believe in fate.
I believe in destiny.
I believe in "the one".
I believe there are two.
After believing in the dark,
I now believe in you...
What I want to do in life....
Everyone asks me what I want to be when I leave school; what I want to do in university and the sad thing I have an answer but at the same time I don't. My ideas that I have range from being a dance choreographer, to an author, to a psychologist, to a singer/songwriter/guitarist. I guess why I chose these things besides being things I adore with a passion is that they are mediums of which I've been inspired. So that leads me to explain the one thing I find them all to have in common which I would like to do after school; inspire people. That is the only thing I really WANT to do. I wanna be able to inspire people and touch their lives so much so that someone can genuinely say that if they had never been inspired by me then they wouldn't be the person they are today. I want to save someone; save them from this cold, dark and lonely world that we all live in because truth be told, it is cruel. I want to protect people from that or inspire them to do the same as I'm trying to do and make the cold, lonely, dark world a little brighter for someone. I want to be someone's hero, someone that they can look up to. Not someone like superman or batman, because they're just fictional and make believe; I want to be a role model for people, so that they have someone who genuinely wants to inspire them to be better. To say honestly, I only wish to make a change, even if it is a small one; making a slight change to someone's world and making them better for it; changing some event so that people don't feel quite so alone.... I just don't want to leave school and be "normal"; get a job, earn money, buy a house, get married, and die. I want to do more than just exist. So when people ask me what I wanna do after school? I say I don't know.
Thursday, 18 July 2013
A Daily Rant? 18th July 2013
Childhood? i don't know how many times i'll talk about it but it's kinda important :)
So basically i'm thinking about the feelings that accompany remembering your childhood....on occasion it's a thought of "THANK GOD MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW!" or that i miss that naivety that i used to have towards the world. Really, none of us truly realized the full capacity at which this world is corrupt. These days everything's REAL; when you reach a certain age people just suddenly stop protecting you...
Everything starts coming at you, confronting and real. You realize only then the full capacity.
Of course there are still people who find out at a young age... the kids who are brought up with their parents sexually assaulting them or the ones with abusive parents and yet i know, even those kids are surprised at the cruelty of reality.
No one truly realizes how many people kill themselves, or are killed; how many people are molested or raped and how many of them we actually call "friends"; no one ever told us that our friends would become enemies or that the parents we'd always looked up to, would be the ones yelling at us to do better and constantly making us feel like we weren't enough. No one ever prepared for HOW hard life was, they only told us it would be. Up until that point, we hadn't known what true struggle was.
Up until last year i didn't think i had either. I feel like now i do. No one prepares for you to live through three of your friends suicides in one week and then the week after finding out your boyfriend of 6 months (who is also your best friend of 8 YEARS) suddenly stopped loving you and stopped giving a shit about you. No one prepares for your heart to break in every way possible...until it has. It has taken me ages to recover from that....hell, i still am. I don't think i'll ever heal, the scars will always be there.
But i still appreciate the facts that have showed up this year, making my life better and worth living....which is something i didn't feel after last years events.
If you look at me now, unless you saw me at a weak moment? i don't think most people can tell the shit that i've been through. Hell, until just a couple of months ago i was still having the worst kind of problems. I had to deal with my friend's boyfriend feel me up....and i didn't know how to react. I forgot it. Even though i still remember...i talked to him and then never said a word.
But life's okay these days....
I saved one of my best friend's from killing herself too, and i now have an amazing boyfriend; the first boyfriend i've ever had who hasn't had a fight with me yet. He's different from EVERY OTHER boy i've dated and yes, i mean that, because although he was at the worst disadvantage when we started dating on Valentines Day, he stayed with me until finally i trusted him enough to tell him the shit i've been through (excuse the swearing).
I haven't had any major problems lately, if anything, my life's been pretty great :)
For now but meh!
Oh yeah, here's one of my drawings as well :) i've been bored, considering it's school holidays so i've been practicing my drawing :) Let me know what you think in the comments!!!
Thanks for reading xx
So basically i'm thinking about the feelings that accompany remembering your childhood....on occasion it's a thought of "THANK GOD MY LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER NOW!" or that i miss that naivety that i used to have towards the world. Really, none of us truly realized the full capacity at which this world is corrupt. These days everything's REAL; when you reach a certain age people just suddenly stop protecting you...
Everything starts coming at you, confronting and real. You realize only then the full capacity.
Of course there are still people who find out at a young age... the kids who are brought up with their parents sexually assaulting them or the ones with abusive parents and yet i know, even those kids are surprised at the cruelty of reality.
No one truly realizes how many people kill themselves, or are killed; how many people are molested or raped and how many of them we actually call "friends"; no one ever told us that our friends would become enemies or that the parents we'd always looked up to, would be the ones yelling at us to do better and constantly making us feel like we weren't enough. No one ever prepared for HOW hard life was, they only told us it would be. Up until that point, we hadn't known what true struggle was.
Up until last year i didn't think i had either. I feel like now i do. No one prepares for you to live through three of your friends suicides in one week and then the week after finding out your boyfriend of 6 months (who is also your best friend of 8 YEARS) suddenly stopped loving you and stopped giving a shit about you. No one prepares for your heart to break in every way possible...until it has. It has taken me ages to recover from that....hell, i still am. I don't think i'll ever heal, the scars will always be there.
But i still appreciate the facts that have showed up this year, making my life better and worth living....which is something i didn't feel after last years events.
If you look at me now, unless you saw me at a weak moment? i don't think most people can tell the shit that i've been through. Hell, until just a couple of months ago i was still having the worst kind of problems. I had to deal with my friend's boyfriend feel me up....and i didn't know how to react. I forgot it. Even though i still remember...i talked to him and then never said a word.
But life's okay these days....
I saved one of my best friend's from killing herself too, and i now have an amazing boyfriend; the first boyfriend i've ever had who hasn't had a fight with me yet. He's different from EVERY OTHER boy i've dated and yes, i mean that, because although he was at the worst disadvantage when we started dating on Valentines Day, he stayed with me until finally i trusted him enough to tell him the shit i've been through (excuse the swearing).
I haven't had any major problems lately, if anything, my life's been pretty great :)
For now but meh!
Oh yeah, here's one of my drawings as well :) i've been bored, considering it's school holidays so i've been practicing my drawing :) Let me know what you think in the comments!!!
Thanks for reading xx
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Just a general note for future posts?
Okay so I'm pretty sure im gonna just start posting my poetry on here and explaining it with some 10,000 words to get my heart out but yeah.... So I'll start with one today :) it's brand new just written then so yeah....
I thought about how 5 months ago (on the 14th of February) my boyfriend at the moment asked me to go out with him and that's when we became official but I also thought about the events leading up to that and how I had to ask him in a talk a week prior about whether he'd ever thought of me as an option of someone to date because I did in fact like him. I reckon that planted the seed in his head to actually think about me in a more than friendly way because up till then he hadn't really given any indicators..... But here it is :)
The poem is called "Would you have looked twice".
Would you have thought of me like that,
If I'd never said a thing.
If I held in that I liked you
What would that bring?
Would you have looked at me twice
If I hadn't put the thought there?
Would we talk anymore now?
Or would you really not care?
Would I be single?
Or would I have run back to my ex
Would all this happiness be a dream?
Would I have given up on the male sex
What would I be like?
If I'd never asked if you considered me?
If I never asked to get to know you,
Who would I now see?
Would I be with a drunk,
Who never wanted to be changed.
Would I have found someone else,
Or would my whole life be rearranged?
It's hard to think of where I'd be,
If I'd never given you a clue.
All I know is I'm grateful,
That I first talked to you.
Thanks for reading!!! xx
I thought about how 5 months ago (on the 14th of February) my boyfriend at the moment asked me to go out with him and that's when we became official but I also thought about the events leading up to that and how I had to ask him in a talk a week prior about whether he'd ever thought of me as an option of someone to date because I did in fact like him. I reckon that planted the seed in his head to actually think about me in a more than friendly way because up till then he hadn't really given any indicators..... But here it is :)
The poem is called "Would you have looked twice".
Would you have thought of me like that,
If I'd never said a thing.
If I held in that I liked you
What would that bring?
Would you have looked at me twice
If I hadn't put the thought there?
Would we talk anymore now?
Or would you really not care?
Would I be single?
Or would I have run back to my ex
Would all this happiness be a dream?
Would I have given up on the male sex
What would I be like?
If I'd never asked if you considered me?
If I never asked to get to know you,
Who would I now see?
Would I be with a drunk,
Who never wanted to be changed.
Would I have found someone else,
Or would my whole life be rearranged?
It's hard to think of where I'd be,
If I'd never given you a clue.
All I know is I'm grateful,
That I first talked to you.
Thanks for reading!!! xx
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