HELP ME PLEASE

If you have facebook?!?!?? I NEED YOU!

All you need to do is help me get a modelling sponsorship by liking the picture (the following link)  on facebook!!! Get as many of your friends to like it as well i'm trying to beat out people with like 700 likes!!!!!!!! Post the link as your status? Pleeeeeeasssse!!! i know you probably don't know me but it could help me so much!!! :) People don't understand that i need this sponsorship!!! :(

PLEEEEEAAASEEEE!!! Click the link, like the photo on your facebook and then post the link as your status and pass it on!!! :)
From one human to another

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10153135225110004&set=np.107963190.100000022523533&type=1&theater&notif_t=notify_me

Greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading xx

I'm crazy. I know I am. I just sat here for about an hour, hearing voices in my head. Not schitzo voices. An actual voice. It was me talking to myself in my head. It was me talking to myself in my head. I got home from school and I started crying. I didn't stop. I was crying and then I was coughing and i was pretty sure i was becoming so dehydrated due to lack of fluids. I lay there for an hour...unable to move but unable to be unconscious. I just lay there; having trouble breathing.

Not much even happened today. I just got so happy today and then it's like i have to crash....

What's wrong? Well, pretty much everything i guess.....

Let's start i gave my headphones to someone to borrow and they're lost. $150 worth of earphones. Gone.

Next, i don't belong anywhere or to anything. My old group pretty much has this impression that i'm becoming too much of a 'popular' and they don't seem to accept me too much anymore (besides a few who are still okay). Instead the others treat me as though i'm a bitch. So i tried moving to another group, the group they call the populars who i'm starting to become friends with but i just feel like i'm imposing cuz they have a group that's already so defined.
The only place i've ever felt like i truly belonged was in 'Guys & Dolls' cast but that's gone and the group has gone with it. There's also that stupid idea in society that you have to be good at one thing and lots of people realize that fact. Some people complain they don't have it, but i know they do. People say my one thing is dance, but they don't see me in my dance company where even when i'm next to girls who are in Grade 10 - i look like a newbie and uncoordinated. It's not writing or psychology! It's not singing or guitar or writing music or drama!!!!!! I don't have that one thing. Compared to everyone who is in the same section i only scrape into the top 50%. I want to have that one special thing and there's too much pressure to have that one thing. There's too much pressure for anything. There's too much pressure to get the best grade but what sucks is parents don't realize that not every fucking child can be the best one. Not every child can get A's because of scaling. Someone has to get the C, and it's not cuz they're not trying, it's cuz their IQ isn't as great as the Asian kid getting the best marks. And somewhere amongst all the brilliantly ecstatic children there's got to be that one that is always crying, always in pain, feeling dead inside - to balance it all out. That's what they have mental hospitals for....people who are crazy like me. I know i should probably be in one, but being in there means that people have noticed you need help. Within the corner of my walk-in wardrobe? I doubt my parents will find me crying. They don't ever realize i'm crying or upset. Even when i let them know....

Don't worry. In their eyes, I'm probably just looking for attention.

I don't know. I'll go back to the school counsellor. I think, while i still can. Once i leave school i have to pay for a psychologist and thats expensive. So i may as well take the advantages of the counsellor while i'm still here at school.

Did i mention i'm back to not dancing? Which means I'm gonna be out of it anyway.....

And i feel bad cuz i listen to something or see certain pictures and all i can think about is Matt. Not like "being in love with him" shit, but just the stupidness that people suddenly wake up morning, not caring about you anymore. They chuck any and all friendship down the drain. Lately i guess i'm sad about how much i'm reminded that EVERYTHING ends.....even the couples you thought would get married someday......it just makes me wonder when mine and my boyfriend's time will be and whether i should be preparing myself early to save me losing my soul, life, and heart. I trusted him after Matt and that took so much because i'm still missing pieces even now. If i lose my heart over this, i swear i won't see any point and no one will be able to change my mind this time.

So what the fuck do i do?

And if you've read this all the way to end and like what you're reading or even if you don't....add me to your reading list? Comment? hahah yeah....whatever. I'll try be more meaningful and less ranting depressive shiz next time.....and less swearing ahhahaha

Thanks for reading anyway xx

The stupidity of wanting to grow up

We all want to grow up. We're desperate to get there, to grab all the opportunities we can...to live. We're so busy trying to get out of that nest, we don't think about the fact that it's going to be cold out there... Really freaking cold. Because growing up sometimes means leaving people behind. And by the time we stand on our own feet...we're standing there alone. So why is it we want to grow up so fast?

I don't know...I find it kinda weird that I can't see the future. I don't mean that I just can't be a psychic; I mean that I can't see myself in the future. My dreams? I can't see. I can't see me finishing school? I can't see me even finishing the freakin' assignment I'm writing. Yet somehow I finish it and I'm not shocked. Of course I'm shocked when I do things like when I finished year 10, but I know that my boyfriend talks about when he gets his license and how often we'll see each other. I can't see it though. I can see myself forever in year 11 driving on L's never owning my own car. Yet somehow I know that the day will come when I do. I'm not a future person. I'm the person who sits there going "ok, so this week I have this test". I can't look into the future besides going "oh yeah that's ages away" then I get surprised when it's there.

Sorry for that rant, there really was no point I just thought I'd share cuz I hope it's more than just me who thinks that way.

Thanks for reading xx

Scars Under The Skin

An itch under the skin

Begging me to scratch

Open the old scars on my back

Leaving blood stains

At the back of every shirt

And I can't help but continue

To pull out the aching skin

Constantly throbbing

Because there are scars

I want to remove

But they live under the skin....

So this is my poem and it's about a symptom of my hallucinations... Basically I always feel itchy on my back, like things have crawled under my skin.....that's all I can really say, except that I think the poem speaks for itself? Let me know if it don't....

Thanks for reading xx

"It's hard to think about growing up when you're right in the middle of doing it. It's hard to know what you want. Sometimes there are so many voices in your head it's difficult to know which of them is yours." -Kevin Brooks

Okay, so what to talk about today? To be honest, I don't REALLY know...I had ideas but I can't think straight lately. Oh yeah, 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend on Wednesday!! :) 14th of August! Whoo!
I haven't really got too many problems...I had a dnm today, with someone I'm only now becoming really close with. She's my boyfriend's best friend and it's really cool that she's such cool friends with him cuz it means she knows him well and all that.
I told her about my ex, it relates to her situation in a way atm, and yeah.... Someone else joined in our dnm and decided to inform that I never realised he'd treated me badly the whole eight years we were on and off. The thing is, I don't know whether it's true but I also don't know if it's false. I could understand him being different after his loved one died a couple of years ago but yeah....it's just complicated cuz I have no clue. I also went back through my old diaries and by golly, I am shocked. It actually depresses me when I read them because it doesn't feel like I'm reading back on my old life.....it feels like I'm reading back on someone's life only I know the bitter end.....not to say that I am bad atm, but it's just that the diary entries I read involved a much younger me asking herself if she was becoming depressed and whether she should go back out with her friend. It's like when you want to yell at the TV in a horror movie to tell them not to split up and look on their own; I knew she'd end up so broken if she went with her heart but she did it anyway and I couldn't take my eyes away.
It didn't seem like me and I guess that just goes to show how much I've changed.

No one in my life really wants to say it. None of them want to let me know that I've been completely different since last year and everything changed. Even the people who knew me before year 9 (my year of depression) none of them want to remind me. They know I've changed, they can see it in my eyes. I can even see it in  their eyes. It's sad as well, for those who didn't know me before this year because personally I think, the girl I was in year 7? She's the girl I want to go back to being. She was innocent. She was herself. She was whole and not broken. The only thing wrong with her was that she was in love with her best friend, but she never dared to make a proper move on him. I want that girl back, but it'll never happen.

Thanks for reading this meaningless rant anyway :)

Lemme know what you think in the comments or by shooting me a message! :)

Xx

Life Instructions To Follow

1. Accept everything just the way it is.

2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.

3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.

4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.

5. Be detached from desire your whole life long.

6. Do not regret what you have done.

7. Never be jealous.

8. Never let jealous be saddened by a separation.

9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.

10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.

11. In all things have no preferences.

12. Be indifferent to where you live.

13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.

14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.

15. Do not act following customary beliefs.

16. Do not fear death.

You know what frustrates me? When people go around in relationships and voice how far they've gone. Or when they ask and compare with you? I've been on multiple occasions how far my boyfriend and I have gone and when I don't tell them they swear they've gone further and then make it a competition over who can lose their v card faster!!!! I'm sorry when did our age get so stupid! Has no one ever thought that maybe I won't tell them because a relationship is between two people and almost as soon as you tell someone else, they will almost surely tell someone else. So here's a general rule; don't tell them something that doesn't concern them and also, keep those "special moments" special!! So it looks as though the saying "those who kiss will always tell" is becoming painstakingly true.

Difficult day

What people don't realize is that the other day I had a difficult time even going through my day. Normally I am absolutely fine to help other people with their problems but for specific reasons not that day. The 28th of July was the day I lost a very special girl. People describe her as an angel and I used to tell her she was. When she tried to say I was too, I told her I must have been one that fell with Lucifer because I'm not as innately good as she thought I was.
Hence the reason that this is named "life of an Australian fallen angel"...

The day I'm describing is a day of rememberance. On the 28th of July 2012, the beautiful angel who I loved so much threw herself in front of a train. I have so many memories of this girl and honestly, I hate now that this is one of them. I wasn't with her when she did it but the story told me I'll always remember. Here I just want to share a beautiful things about her if anyone cares to read.

This angel was the one who convinced me to continue dancing. Originally I'd just been doing ballet and jazz and was quitting because the girls there bullied me, telling me I wasn't good enough or the type of person to get the leads. I knew they were jealous because I'd had leads two years running and one of the youngest senior foundation girls, but I was leaving and not coming back. She told me about a place where all the dancers become like family. She was right. We became really close and she was like an older sister to me. She showed me the ropes of contemporary considering I'd been classically trained with ballet and jazz and showed me how to loosen up into dancing.
She even introduced me to an amazing guy who I saw yesterday and he still remains to this day to be one of my best friends.
I remember every show she dragged me along to see that she was in, and I remember hanging backstage buying each other frangipanis that matched each one of ur costumes. We used to bring a bunch of food and just share it like a picnic between us and we pretended like we were so much more higher and mightier than the younger kids even though we laughed with them and acted like immature older sisters to them. On the last day of the show we were in together after 6 months of intensive rehearsals, we broke rule number 1 and 2. Do not eat or drink onstage. We ate pizza and drank soft drink and did cartwheels all over stage. We did the beyonce "single ladies" dance to our contemporary music and it fit. She was amazing. We even cried when she had to move. We gave her a ginormous card and cried a river for her.
She was supposed to come to our semi formal last year but she didn't make it. She was one of those people who was popular but there was not a single bit of a bitchy type girl in her. She changed minds and perceptions when she danced. She was the girl who was popular because she was nice to everyone. I never saw her dislike a single person. She didn't realize how many lives she touched and how much she mattered to us. The people who didn't know her were affected as well because they've heard the stories and they realize how much potential her life had. She was getting performance awards before even becoming a senior. She was having people talk to her about scholarships before she'd even thought about her future career....

She was a true and humble angel who fell.

Unless someone like YOU
Cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better.
It's not.
-Dr Seuss

Confessions Of A Broken Angel

Hey.
Today i'm going to tell you a story. This story is about a girl; as per any story we're going to start at the beginning. Excuse me if i skip back and forward in her life and miss years of her life.

She grew up in a rich family - no denying that. She knew she was spoiled and everyone always said she was. There was a difference though, in the lives of an average person and hers; her parents believed money could soothe all your problems, and being spoilt meant being happy.
She spent the first several years of her life with a babysitter - the closest thing she had to a mother and when she realized most kids didn't have a babysitter there every night she attempted to get the attention from her parents by running away. This usually only ended up getting her as far as her neighbour's house where they would call up and she'd be brought straight back home and punished for scaring the babysitter. It didn't work and she eventually got used to the absence of her parents.

She was always the kind of girl who could get along better with the boys, because of similar interests and from Day Care to Grade 1, she was bullied because of it. In Grade 1, she had one boy she always hung out with in the playground and his friend's got jealous. They threatened to beat her and kill her - no one would ever find her body, they used to say.

So she left the school and moved somewhere else.

As a pretense for this, I let you readers know now that insanity had always run in her family. As a young child though she only on occasion talked about the things she saw that no one else could see but as she started to get punished for it - she realized it was better not to speak up about it. Grade 2, she was at a new school, but when she got there everyone else already had their friendship groups. This was all except for a boy and a girl. They became a friendship group of three and they became this girl's best friends.
As i skip forward i let you know in general terms what happened over the years...

We speed through primary school when they were in different schools; the boy best friend at a different school, the girl at another school and her girl best friend in a whole different country. The two still left in the same country stayed in touch..... during primary school, they would pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend without the label. They liked each other and they "pretended" they didn't know it about the other. This game went on for years.....playing around but never admitting anything. She knew by the end of primary school she was already in love. The other best friend came back but never kept in touch with the boy until high school when they were re-introduced.

In high school, the boy best friend started to close off from the girl. she couldn't figure out why until she found out he'd lost someone and she ended up calling him up. He'd told he never wanted to talk to her again and it broke her heart to hear that. This was in year 8 and she became depressed as she tried to talk to people and they told her it seemed like she never cared about them. She became obsessed with becoming someone. She tried drugs, alcohol, cutting.....anything to take away the emotional pain. She lost herself. She lost her best friend and when she tried dating someone else to take her mind off the boy she loved, that girl best friend from her childhood got angry at her and left.
She had nothing left. On multiple occasions she tried killing herself.

Her dad introduced her to someone who was going through similar things to her - someone living in a mental hospital- in need of a friend. She soon became her best friend. They snuck out to parties, dyed each other's hair and promised they would never leave each other. But she did. One day the girl came to visit her and found her new best friend hanging from the ceiling fan and a letter left on the bed asking her never to be as selfish as her best friend had just been. She made a promise to the memory of her friend- to give up suicide and cutting.

She only started to get over the emotional shock when the boy she'd fallen in love with in her childhood, called her up. He apologized for wishing her away and asked if she'd forgive him. She did. At that point, it was all she could do; she needed him. But the tirade began again where he refused to admit he had any feelings for her but his flirting with her got worse. They had flings but it was never with a title. He hated the title and he still refused to admit anything more than friendship.

After dating many more guys, she eventually decided to admit defeat on loving the boy and fell in love with someone else. She loved this other boy from afar but when she told him, she was brushed off. "I love you like a sister" he said, and then moved on to his next conquest. She fell more in love with him, but in truth? it was obsession. She loved him, he never loved her back and she slowly felt like she was drifting back to the edge of no return.

Finally, the boy of her childhood turned around and said he liked her. He saved her. She was overjoyed and knew that love for him had never disappeared....

They started dating and it was like being best friends and being in love all at the same time. They teased each other, and fought but got back together by the end of the day - the relationship only getting stronger. They talked about losing virginity to each other and stayed at each others houses every night. It was a like fairytale. Only in truth, it wasn't. Because every honeymoon has it's end. Every spark burns.

At 3 months in the relationship the fire grew too hot.

He became hot and cold. Her bipolar showed through. the boy she'd been in love with only loved her when he was drunk. He was cold when he was sober. He seemed to not care anymore. One year anniversary of his loved one's death came and he broke. He said he'd never loved her; it was all a lie...

a lie...

the boy she'd been in love with 8 years had never cared. The one person who'd always been there to save her was now the one pushing her off a cliff. He was too much of a coward to walk away after telling her, so she saved herself some dignity and left with she could still crawl.

7 months. She got drunk too. She got high. She made out with random strangers at parties hoping to God it would feel the gaping hole inside her chest. But it didn't.
He kept her on facebook. He kept her on twitter. He loved to torture her. He would message her when he was high, just to do so.
He asked if she missed him and all she could do was lie. He would always tell her he knew that it wasn't true. Once or twice he told her he missed her and when she questioned it, he would reveal it to be lie.

"You know i was always a good liar."

And every day she died more inside. Soon she aimed at her friends, hoping someone would save her. None of them did.
She tried to find other boys to date; she swore all the time that she was over him but she knew in her heart that she wasn't.
She even attempted to go back to the boy she'd had an obsession but when he made out with her she felt nothing..

she gave up on love.

One day, she approached one of the boys who'd rejected her and she sat down with him. He was sitting with one of his friends but she didn't care, they all started a conversation about costumes for a performance and the original boy left to go talk to someone else. That's when she met the most naive boy in the world. They continued their conversation and at lunch time break- they played frisbee and talked. Their talking didn't stop - they would text after rehearsal until they had to go to sleep and then their conversation would pick up in the morning the next day.
He made her forget.

Then one day, she asked him if he would ever consider her to be someone he could go out with. She'd had 7 months of rejections so she thought she could deal with one more. Instead he answered saying he wasn't sure. He asked to go to movies as friends and when the movie ended. He kissed her.

He'd heard the rumours of her being damaged good and he promised one thing.

"I'll never hurt you."