My life currently

These lyrics basically explain my life

Waiting for superman by Daughtry

She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away
She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days

She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late.
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape.”
She’s just watching the clouds roll by and they spell her name
Like Lois Lane
And she smiles, oh the way she smiles

She’s talking to angels,
Counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
Falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
Waiting for Superman

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer, a sign lost in the abyss,
This Metropolis

She says, "Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late.
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day.”
She says, "If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this,
Left without a kiss."
Still, she smiles, oh, the way she smiles, yeah

She’s talking to angels,
Counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
She’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
She’s waiting for Superman...

...to lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and flying through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
Oh, at the speed of light
And she smiles

She’s talking to angels,
Counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers,
She’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, yeah, in his arms, yeah
She’s waiting for Superman...

...to lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love, oh, and flying through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
She’s waiting for Superman

The Deadly Moments

You know how there are a sole few things that keep people alive....? You have those things that if they left your life or weren't there anymore you know that you would have no reason to live and possibly take your life if it came down to it. There are very deadly moments in one's life, especially for someone like me who has their happiness and their sanity and their LIFE relying one person. When you start to screw things up with them and it's your fault, you can't but want to die. I think I've screwed things up way too bad this time. I think this is the end for my lifeline.....I don't know what to do without him. It's a deadly moment right now... One more problem and i feel like i'll shatter like glass..... Believe it or not, i'm fragile and there are scissors, a knife, candles, matches, water, and so many drugs in my bedroom right now and it is so hard to resist the urge to retalliate and punish myself for the way i've acted and the stupid things that came out of my mouth that i should have stopped. Maybe if i'd had control over myself then maybe he wouldn't be out of my reach....

Good thing, he's not gone.

Yet.

Metaphor of problems

I come home and break, but that's the story of my life, i guess. I found the perfect metaphor for it though...

It's all stuff that's been piling up for years, and i just wish i could forget but i can't. It piles up in my closet while i look the other way.

Once n a while i open it but it all fall out and all i can do is pile it back and look away as it grows again.

It's a metaphoric closet with a bunch of memories, dead bodies, and shattered pieces of my heart and so many lies inside.

How do i banish it? i'm trying and failing.... because you can't forget memories....you can pretend it's not there but at the end of the day, you lie down alone on the couch and see the door.

But what happens if you thought you moved on.... but then, something happens and suddenly everything just a reminder. What if someone for example, pointed out everything that had changed about you since they were close to you.... everything you'd changed to escape the memory of them and the person you were with them, so suddenly every time you look in the mirror all you can do is see the person you're not anymore. Because you're lying to yourself and trying to pretend that this is you when you know the person you were with them was who you were. and all you can think about is the memories with them.

Letting in the monsters

"With so many stitched up wounds and bandaged cuts, you would think i'm smart enough to lock the doors and draw the curtains. But my fault is forgiving and my mistake is trusting because every time the doorbell rings, i invite the monsters in with a worn down smile, hoping they would behave. And every single time they leave, i am left with a few more wounds and a couple more cuts thinking it will be better next time they visit."

We are celebrated for exceeding limits that once restrained and confined us only to graduate to new limits in which we are expected to further exceed just because we once exhibited the capability.

And how do you expect the human mind to retain accurate functionality with this kind of perfectionist's stress placed upon it, forcing it to erase the word "mistake" because eventually, mistakes become unacceptable.

So, please give me a break and let me make those mistakes because i am tired of being held against a standard and expected to continually exceed. I'm tired of it.

Scary Pictures in my eyes

Today, the monsters came back.
They crept up behind me and whispered terrible things in my ears that echoed off the walls that trap me.
Their words are wrapping around my mind while they ignite and burn my soul and claw away pieces of my sanity.
they're eating me alive and i feel every bite they're taking.
Today, the monsters came back and i'm afraid they're here to stay.

It sucks that mental pain doesn't go away.
It never does. It will always linger around, waiting for a moment when you're vulnerable and start poisoning you again. It will bring back the memories, the tears, the emotional stress, the physical fatigue, and hoplessness. It's hard to ignore. It commands to be felt. It thrives on your suffering. Then it'll let you heal for a bit just so it can seep back into your mind when you have more to lose...

How to tell if somebody loves you

Somebody loves you if they pick an eyelash off of your face or wet a napkin and apply it to dirty skin. You didn't ask for these things, but this person went ahead and did it anyway. They don't want to see you looking like a fool with eyelashes and crumbs on your face. They notice these things. They really look at you and are the first to notice if something is amiss with your beautiful visage!

Somebody loves you if they assume the role of caretaker when you're sick. Unsure if someone really gives a shit about you? Fake a case of food poisoning and text them being like "Oh my god, so sick. Need water." Depending on their response, you'll know whether or not they REALLY love you. "that's terrible. feel better." earns you a stay in friendship jail; "Do you need anything? I can come over and bring you get well remedies!" gets you a cozy friendship suite. It's easy to care about someone when they don't need you. It's easy to love them when they're healthy and don't ask you for anything beyond change for the parking meter. Being sick is different. Being sick means asking someone to hold your hair back when you vomit. Either love me with vomit in my hair or don't love me at all.

Somebody loves you if they call out on your bullshit. They're not passive, they don't just let you get away with murder. They know you well enough and care about you enough to ask you to chill out, to bust your balls, to tell you to stop. They aren't observers in your life, they are in the trenches. They have an opinion about your decisions and things you say and do. They want to be a part of it; they want to be a part of you.

somebody loves you if they don't mind the quiet. They don't mind running erands with you or cleaning your room/apartment while blasting some annoying music. There's no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don't feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won't be a void. That's not love. That's "hey babe! i like you okay. Do you wanna grab lunch? I think we have enough to talk about to fill about two hours!" It's a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you're skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things; it's always comfortable. That's fucking love.

Somebody loves you if they want to be happy, even if that involves something that doesn't benefit them. They realize the things you need to do in order to be content and come to terms to the fact that it might not include them. Never underestimate the gift of understanding. When there are so many people who are selfish and equate relationships as something that only must make them happy, having someone around who can take their needs out of any given situation if they need to.

Somebody loves you if they can order you food without having to be told what you want. Somebody loves you if they rub your back at any given moment. Somebody loves you if they don't care about your job or how much money you make. It's a relationship where no one is selling something to the other. No one is the prostitute. Somebody loves you if they'll watch a movie starring Kate Hudson because you really, really want to see it. Somebody loves you if they're able to create their own separate world with you, away from the internet and family and friends. Just you and them.