I want...

It sounds so petty when you think about it but for me? I dont know i just want it to mean something. I buy flowers for heaps of people, one of my good friends birthdays is tomorrow and it occurs to me in a conversation at lunch that i've never had flowers given to me. Everyone else spoke about the amazing feeling that they get when they get flowers at their show or on their birthday and you know what? I havent had flowers, I sit in the dressin room with my friends at our show an hey all have flowers at their mirrors and i don't. It's empty. God i sound like a complainy bitch.....I WANT FLOWERS.

Cut and tweak,

Pull and tear.

Lets see how much

You can fare

Change this and that,

Change all that you are.

One thing at a time,

So you won't go TOO far.

Dye your hair, cut your nails,

Pull the black from your face.

You need to do it all,

In order to run this race.

Take in this, listen to that,

Everyone else knows you.

They know the final image,

And what you should do.

Rip your skin, then hide it now,

So the parents don't see.

That the perfect daughter is

Perfection, you see.

She listened and changed,

To everything that they said.

She wasn't herself anymore

Only left in her head.

"Perfection"

Can you hear the voices whispering?

They scream out just one thing.

They want that whole perfection

That happiness can't bring.

They cry out for your blood to spill,

They don't believe there's another choice.

You have no way to fight against them,

Slowly you lose your voice....

The first time I heard the voices whispering,

I was barely just a child.

They told me I needed to grow up,

And stop being so wild.

The next time came when I listened to them,

I learnt the ways of being "ideal".

The voices called for blood,

And expectations made me cut to feel.

Suddenly more voices joined,

As image became what I knew.

But everything in my image was wrong

And they all screamed "I hate you"

The voices told me to weigh myself,

But they didn't like the fat.

They pushed away food, all in control,

No doubt about that.

The starving seemed relentless,

The blood poured more and more.

But I was too light on the scales,

And they pushed me into the floor.

Broken, I sat there, all alone,

Till they told me I needed a mate.

Only they told me to search then to stop;

That I couldn't push my fate.

Next challenge came; to be "beautiful"

And the struggle began again.

I spilt my blood relentlessly,

But to stop? I don't know when.

As more pressures pile up,

As the voices grow to yell.

The blood pools up screaming imperfection,

And you need to say farewell.

They need you to be a perfect one,

Perfection in the eyes of all.

If they see a single thing wrong with you,

Off the cliff you'll fall.

It crushes when you find out the centre of the universe that you thought you wear to someone, is just a planet in orbit of some thing else. When you're told you were all that they needed, all that you were was their number one priority, but you're not. For all you know, you could be 50th but they'd still be telling you you're number one. When they used to jump at every chance to even SEE you from a distance and now they think they'll be bored.

When they can be pissed at you as you tell them you love them, but they can't say it back.

That's when you consider your purpose and that's when you want to die...

Your one priority and you're only an option to them.

Grade 11

Grade 11 is so much more stress than I ever could have expected. It's a new kind of stress and it puts stress on more than just you and your school work. It puts stress on relationship (with friends and boyfriends), it puts stress on psychological states and it just makes it an all-out bitch to deal with. The problem is I don't know if next year is going to be the same thing because if it is I may as well become a hermit now and renew my friendships when I go off to uni. Just the past couple of weeks, so much stress has been put on all my relationships....and frankly I'm considering taking a break for EVERYTHNG. from relationships, all the extra things I do (Facebook, blog, and story writing) and save it all for when I finish year 12 because I'm not gonna stop. I thought this year was the best I've ever had and maybe for the first part it was but it's so stressful that I'm considering calling up the mental hospital and committing myself to leave school. Just isolate myself from reality and everything in it. I've been writing my stories lately and frankly, it's an escape from reality that's all I can say. 

I've just had trouble; crying every day for hours on end, while attempting to absorb all the study needed for tests and only scraping above average by the skin on my neck.

Frankly, I don't know what to do considering even my holidays are non-stop work (dance boot camp)