I'm crazy. I know I am. I just sat here for about an hour, hearing voices in my head. Not schitzo voices. An actual voice. It was me talking to myself in my head. It was me talking to myself in my head. I got home from school and I started crying. I didn't stop. I was crying and then I was coughing and i was pretty sure i was becoming so dehydrated due to lack of fluids. I lay there for an hour...unable to move but unable to be unconscious. I just lay there; having trouble breathing.

Not much even happened today. I just got so happy today and then it's like i have to crash....

What's wrong? Well, pretty much everything i guess.....

Let's start i gave my headphones to someone to borrow and they're lost. $150 worth of earphones. Gone.

Next, i don't belong anywhere or to anything. My old group pretty much has this impression that i'm becoming too much of a 'popular' and they don't seem to accept me too much anymore (besides a few who are still okay). Instead the others treat me as though i'm a bitch. So i tried moving to another group, the group they call the populars who i'm starting to become friends with but i just feel like i'm imposing cuz they have a group that's already so defined.
The only place i've ever felt like i truly belonged was in 'Guys & Dolls' cast but that's gone and the group has gone with it. There's also that stupid idea in society that you have to be good at one thing and lots of people realize that fact. Some people complain they don't have it, but i know they do. People say my one thing is dance, but they don't see me in my dance company where even when i'm next to girls who are in Grade 10 - i look like a newbie and uncoordinated. It's not writing or psychology! It's not singing or guitar or writing music or drama!!!!!! I don't have that one thing. Compared to everyone who is in the same section i only scrape into the top 50%. I want to have that one special thing and there's too much pressure to have that one thing. There's too much pressure for anything. There's too much pressure to get the best grade but what sucks is parents don't realize that not every fucking child can be the best one. Not every child can get A's because of scaling. Someone has to get the C, and it's not cuz they're not trying, it's cuz their IQ isn't as great as the Asian kid getting the best marks. And somewhere amongst all the brilliantly ecstatic children there's got to be that one that is always crying, always in pain, feeling dead inside - to balance it all out. That's what they have mental hospitals for....people who are crazy like me. I know i should probably be in one, but being in there means that people have noticed you need help. Within the corner of my walk-in wardrobe? I doubt my parents will find me crying. They don't ever realize i'm crying or upset. Even when i let them know....

Don't worry. In their eyes, I'm probably just looking for attention.

I don't know. I'll go back to the school counsellor. I think, while i still can. Once i leave school i have to pay for a psychologist and thats expensive. So i may as well take the advantages of the counsellor while i'm still here at school.

Did i mention i'm back to not dancing? Which means I'm gonna be out of it anyway.....

And i feel bad cuz i listen to something or see certain pictures and all i can think about is Matt. Not like "being in love with him" shit, but just the stupidness that people suddenly wake up morning, not caring about you anymore. They chuck any and all friendship down the drain. Lately i guess i'm sad about how much i'm reminded that EVERYTHING ends.....even the couples you thought would get married someday......it just makes me wonder when mine and my boyfriend's time will be and whether i should be preparing myself early to save me losing my soul, life, and heart. I trusted him after Matt and that took so much because i'm still missing pieces even now. If i lose my heart over this, i swear i won't see any point and no one will be able to change my mind this time.

So what the fuck do i do?

And if you've read this all the way to end and like what you're reading or even if you don't....add me to your reading list? Comment? hahah yeah....whatever. I'll try be more meaningful and less ranting depressive shiz next time.....and less swearing ahhahaha

Thanks for reading anyway xx